


Watching Him, Watching Me

by LarkThePerson



Series: get us in some trouble [2]
Category: Captain America - All Media Types, Daredevil (TV), Jessica Jones (TV), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Bucky Barnes Feels, Bucky Barnes Has Issues, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Bucky Barnes Recovering, Clint Barton Has ADHD, Deaf Clint Barton, Depression, Dialogue Heavy, Dissociation, Friendship, Friendship/Love, Hurt Matt Murdock, Implied Childhood Sexual Abuse, M/M, Matt Murdock Needs a Hug, Multi, POV Bucky Barnes, Past Abuse, Past Brainwashing, Past Child Abuse, Past Rape/Non-con, Polyamory, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Recovery, Trauma, mentions of hallucinations
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-14
Updated: 2017-08-14
Packaged: 2018-12-15 07:17:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,318
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11801136
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LarkThePerson/pseuds/LarkThePerson
Summary: “Come on when was the last time you did something that wasn’t centered around safe-houses and hiding?” she demands.He doesn’t answer. He doesn’t remember.“Yeah, we’re going drinking. I know a place.”“I can’t get drunk.” He tells her but she’s already walking away.





	Watching Him, Watching Me

**Author's Note:**

> Nico is non-binary and doesn't have any pronouns! Alice is a trans-girl!
> 
> More detailed warning is in the end notes.

This woman would not leave him alone.

“What do you want?” he even sounds exhausted to himself.

“What, you hired me to do research for you about yourself and you want to know what I want?” she snaps back at him, and her name is Jessica, he’s got to try to remember that.

“I hired you because I don’t remember, why are you watching me?” it makes his skin crawl.

“You know what, we’re going drinking, maybe have some conversations. Maybe something will come up.” He knows that she’s only suggesting it because she can’t find anything on him. He appreciates the effort.

“No.” 

“Come on when was the last time you did something that wasn’t centered around safe-houses and hiding?” she demands.

He doesn’t answer. He doesn’t remember.

“Yeah, we’re going drinking. I know a place.” 

“I can’t get drunk.” He tells her but she’s already walking away.

~~~~~~ 

He’s excepting this to be a onetime thing. He’ll go to a bar once with a woman he hired to find information about his life and surviving family, then they’ll continue meeting in dark alleys and Bucky will continue moving around the city, reacquainting himself with life and personhood.

But two weeks later Jessica calls him again and invites him to the same bar. They argue about it. Or rather Bucky flat out refuses to go to the same place twice on the same day of the week even two weeks apart and Jessica tells him that she’ll just drink alone if he doesn’t show. He doesn’t go at first. He sits on a roof across from the bar and watches the people going in and out until finally he gives up and goes inside. He can afford to be normal for a little while.

~~~~~~

He’s been crashing in a crack den. He can’t get high off crack, or heroin, or any of the other drugs he’s tried these past two weeks but he thought it was worth trying. This is how he meets Clint: leaving the crack-den to go drinking with Jessica and as he’s walking down the alley he hears the dumpster groan.

He thinks he’s hallucinating again. It happens sometimes now. He researched it, apparently, it’s a trauma thing. 

The dumpster groans again and he stops to think about it for a minute. It could be a person or animal and he will feel bad if he leaves them there, but if it’s not real he’ll spend the rest of the week rattled and on edge.

He decides to check. There’s a man in the dumpster. He’s pretty sure his brain wouldn’t do this to him. He knows it pretty well by now.

“Hey.” He greets.

The guy moans.

“Can you help me?” he asks a second later after staring at Bucky for a minute too long.

Bucky gives him a hand, the flesh one, and pulls. They get the guy to his feet but then he slips, almost hits his head on the side of the dumpster, and ends up thigh deep in a trash bag.

“Aw fuck. No-” he moans.

“Who are you?” Bucky asks. There’s something about his face that Bucky knows but can’t place. He doesn’t know many people.

“Clint.” He says as he’s struggling to free his leg, “I’m Hawkeye too.”

He’s not looking at Bucky when he says it and Bucky is glad that Clint can’t see the face he makes. He knows that Hawkeye is on a team with Steve. He starts to panic. He’s been found.

“Fuck, man could you please help me here.” Clint asks again and Bucky feels caught. He wants to run. Being near someone who knows Steve and probably knows who Bucky is will end badly. But Clint hasn’t run screaming or pulled out a phone. And Jessica keeps grudgingly telling him that he needs to interact with more people. 

This time he grabs Clint more firmly and hauls him over the edge. He falls heavily on the ground with more groans.

“I’m Bucky.” He offers. It’s a bad idea to give out his real name like this but he’s pretty sure most people don’t just lie about their names all the time.

“Nice to meet you.” Clint extends his hand. Bucky thinks that if Clint knows who he is that he’s being supremely dumb.

Bucky takes his hand anyway.

“Do you want a drink?” Bucky asks on impulse.

“I want a shower. And new pants.”

Bucky doesn’t quite know if that’s a no. He stares Clint down.

“What right now?” Clint asks.

Bucky shrugs. He is on his way to see Jessica. If he stays close to Clint he can judge how much threatening it will take for him to not tell Steve about this. That’s how he’s reasoning this to himself.

“No, I’m going home and showering first.” Clint says but it sounds like a question.

Bucky shrugs again. He’s not really sure what to do right now.

“Do you have a bar in mind? Not that I don’t mind drinking in a crack-den- ok, no, I would mind that but a bar would be cool.” 

Bucky isn’t sure what to think of Clint. He says more useless words than Bucky is used to. But there’s something amusing about him. Bucky suspects that Clint is going annoy Jessica. He wants to see it. But he’s still worrying about Clint calling Steve.

Bucky tells him to go to Nico’s. 

“You’re not taking me there to kill me right? I mean you escaped and everything but you still used to be a mind-controlled assassin.” Clint blurts out as he’s about to leave.

“Are you going to tell Steve?” Bucky says.

“What? No! I just- this is such a bad idea. Why did I agree to this? Ok, whatever. I’ll see you at Nico’s soon. Don’t kill me.” Clint says before walking off.

Bucky can’t believe this guy. Just for that he might not even bother to threaten him. He decides to trust Clint and lets him go home.

~~~~~~

Jessica is annoyed by Clint but only in a halfhearted way.

When she asks where Bucky found him, Bucky tells her about the dumpster and she looks Clint in the eye and says: “Been there.”

It cracks Clint up. Bucky is already glad Clint is here. He laughs more freely than the Bucky or Jessica. It makes the bar seem brighter.

~~~~~~

Bucky finds Matt a week later.

Bucky has just climbed onto a usually empty roof because he’s decided he doesn’t want to be indoors today but he also doesn’t want to face the crowds of the city. Someone is already there. Someone who is in body armor and standing on the ledge of the roof. Bucky watches as he lists slightly in the wind. Exhaustion, in need of immediate rest or he will not be operable, is what his brain supplies him with. Easy target, is also there.

He takes a few steps towards the man, who turns to only partially face Bucky. The turn is too much apparently, because he lists too far and is about to stumble. Bucky can see his trajectory clear as day. He’s going to fumble a step a fall off of a roof. 

Bucky is at his side in an instant grabbing his wrist and tugging him away from the edge. The guy fumbles a step anyway and reaches out to steady himself on Bucky, who steps neatly and instinctively out of the way. For the second time in so many days someone falls unceremoniously at Bucky’s feet. He takes a moment to appreciate that they fell only partially because of him and that they are both still alive. Most people who fall at his feet are dead or moments away from it.

“Ugh fuck.” The guy says.

Bucky just watches him.

“Thanks for that.” He says eventually, after he’s slowly and carefully pushed himself into a sitting position against the ledge.

Broken ribs, possible other injuries, in need of medical care, his brain supplies. Bucky wishes his tactical brain would shut up.

“Sure, what the fuck are you doing on a roof one minute away from unconsciousness?” Bucky demands. He feels oddly protective. It’s overwhelming. He also wants that feeling to shut up.

The guy shrugs.

“You’re hurt.” Bucky tells him wishing he could shut up.

“I’m not actually sure I can get home.” The guy informs him.

It gets better and better.

“Unbelievable.” Bucky mutters to himself. All vigilantes are reckless idiots he’s learning. He’s pretty sure already knew it.

“Where do you live?” he asks finally. This guy poses him no threat and Bucky’s actually pretty sure he’s blind. Bucky knows that no one has recordings of his voice. The kid isn’t going to know who he is.

“What?” the guy asks.

“Your home, safehouse, hospital, whatever, where is it? I’m not leaving you here.” Bucky tells him.

“How do I know you’re not just going to kill me?” the kid asks, “Or use this information to spy on me?”

At least he has some sense of self preservation.

“You would be dead already if I wanted.” Bucky tells him.

The guy makes a face he can’t read.

“What about spying?”

“I don’t even know who the fuck you are.” Bucky points out.

The guy considers that.

“The newspapers call me Daredevil.” He informs Bucky.

“What do you call yourself?” Bucky doesn’t put much stock in names given by other people anymore.

Daredevil stays stubbornly quiet.

“Whatever I’m still taking you home.” 

“Buy a guy dinner first.” Daredevil hisses but he stands up anyway.

“Shut the fuck up. Put these on and take off the mask.” He hands the guy a baggy sweatshirt and jeans. He’ll lead the idiot home like he’s leading a drunk friend home. It’s a good cover. Wherever he lives Bucky is sure he can find the quietest way there.

~~~~~~

He takes Daredevil home. Then he perches on the roof across from his apartment and watches. Halfway through the day Daredevil goes up onto his own roof and beckons to Bucky. 

Bucky has no idea how he’s been found out. Daredevil can’t even see him.

“If you’re going to spy on me you might as well do it inside.” He tells Bucky.

Bucky doesn’t tell him that the point of spying is to observe normal behavior without the influence of outside threat. It’s pointless. Daredevil knew he was there anyway. 

“Were you going to spy on me until you found out my name?” Daredevil asks. 

“Maybe.” Bucky answers. He just wanted make sure the idiot didn’t die and also maybe pass some time. Bucky doesn’t do much.

“Who are you?” he asks.

“I’m Bucky.” He says. He figures he’ll be safe.

“Jessica’s Bucky?” Daredevil comes back with.

“You know Jessica?”

“Our interests intersect.” Daredevil tells him.

Of course, they fucking do.

“I’m Matt.” He offers after a moment of silence

“You’re an idiot.” Bucky tells him because he doesn’t think he heard it the first time. He feels unreal for a moment. What is he doing standing in someone’s living room calling him an idiot after walking him home at 4 AM. It’s the closest to normal his life has been in years. He feels wrong with it.

“You want coffee?” Matt offers.

“Will you be upset if I drink it on your roof, or maybe in your tub?” he can’t believe his mouth.

“You can hide out in my tub if you need to. I might need to use the bathroom at some point. You want to take a bath?” he asks and Bucky can’t believe how well he’s taking this.

“I want to sit in the dark in your tub fully clothed and drink coffee.” He tells Matt. He realizes as it says it that Matt might not have a tub. 

“Sure. No problem.” Matt moves slowly and carefully to get him coffee. Bucky cannot believe this is his life. He’s kind of hoping the tub will make today a little more bearable. 

~~~~~~

Surprisingly, it does actually help.

Matt invites him to hang out in his tub as needed. Bucky invites him to Jessica’s-drinking-group-for-fuck-ups as Clint named it the other day.

A few days later, Matt is there.

~~~~~~

Bucky has an understanding with Frank. They’re both soldiers. Frank more willingly than Bucky. But it’s something Bucky can’t totally shake. 

Frank likes shooting people unrepentantly in the face. It’s a feeling Bucky can understand. He is apparently the only one who does. 

Jessica is ambiguous on the subject. Clint can get behind it but not with the same sense of duty as Frank. And Matt is horrified by him, because of course he is. 

So, Bucky and Frank bond. 

In fact, some of Bucky’s more recent crimes, the shooting of a rapist, the brutal killing of a brutal drug lord and all of his upper circle, have been attributed to Frank. 

Frank treats him like a CO sometimes. It’s a strange feeling. It’s a role that fits him like an old glove. Its comfortable, well worn. But it grates on him too. 

And other times Frank is like his personal body guard. In these moments Bucky feels bizarrely like a mob boss. 

They are both also protective of Matt. Perhaps a little too much.

Bucky shows up to Matt’s apartment at irregular intervals. Sometimes they sit together in his living room, or, if Matt’s not there, Bucky will doze on his couch, sometimes Bucky holes himself up in the bathroom. In this time Bucky has also been conducting surveillance. 

Matt doesn’t seem to have friends. Matt doesn’t have enough food. Matt barely sleeps. Matt works some kind of menial law job. Matt is dead on his feet most of the time.

Bucky decides to help.

He breaks in one day while Matt’s away and leaves his fridge full of food, carefully labeled in braille. 

He stays overnight later and keeps watch while Matt sleeps.

He leaves Matt take out after work sometimes.

Matt calls him out at the bar one day.

“If I didn’t know better, I’d say your feeding me up.” He’s laughing as he says it.

Bucky must be too quiet in the wake of his words. He’s not always good at the rhythms of normal interaction any more.

“Are you feeding me up?” he asks eventually.

“You didn’t have any food in your fridge. I was hungry.” Bucky defends himself even though he knows by now that Matt can hear the lie.

“You could always ask me to get you something.” Matt’s got a strange look on his face.

“Matt-” Clint is leaning over the table, “don’t argue.” He says throwing Bucky a conspiratorial look.

Bucky nods at him. Clint gets it.

~~~~~~

Bucky eventually finds out about Foggy. Not from Matt though. He is lurking around Jessica’s kitchen on a normal Saturday, waiting for her to get back. When she finally does, she has someone with her. He stays in the kitchen hoping that whoever they are they don’t come in.

Jessica comes in to grab a beer and only startles slightly.

“I’m going to punch you through a wall for that someday.” She hisses at him as she grabs a beer.

He shrugs. Wouldn’t be his first time. Probably, wouldn’t even be his last.

“Fine hang out in my kitchen like a creep. See if I care.” She hisses as she leaves again. 

So that’s exactly what he does. He eats her leftover Chinese food too.

The guest’s name is apparently Foggy. He and Jessica spend the evening discussing a case she’s clearly helping this guy’s law firm with. It doesn’t take long for the conversation to wind down.

Then he asks after a long moment of silence: “You seen Matt recently?”

He sounds painfully faux causal.

“You seen him recently?” Jessica parrots. Bucky wonders if it’s the same Matt.

“Jessica, c’on.” He sounds pathetic Bucky decides.

“Don’t Jessica me asshole. If you’re so worried about Murdock you can go see him yourself.” She tells him before stomping off to another room. 

There’s another long moment of silence.

“I’m headed out.”

“Bye.” She calls sounding supremely unfriendly.

~~~~~~

He learns more about Foggy soon.

Matt’s drunk. He and Clint are total lightweights much to everyone’s amusement.

“Fogg- ugh, Foggy called me.” He says to Jessica. Frank turns his attention to Matt instantly. Bucky is intrigued.

“Yeah,” Jessica answers and she only looks like she’s not paying attention Bucky notices.

“He- we couldn’t even hold a conversation. Jess, we couldn’t do it.” He sounds heartbroken.

“Who’s Foggy?” Bucky asks. He’s getting better at that. He doesn’t need to spy to get answers. He can ask.

“We had a law firm before-” he waves his hand “before. He left.” He sounds sad.

“Karen talks to me. She’s pissed but she talks to me. But Foggy won’t talk to me. He called me! Why won’t he talk to me?” he asks Jessica.

“Karen was the secretary. She’s a reporter now.” Jessica tells him over Matt’s head, which is now laying on his arms on the table.

Bucky resolves to find out more. Through spying. And maybe getting a few people drunk for information.

~~~~~~

He hates Foggy.

~~~~~~

He also hates that the first time he sees Steve again, really sees him. He’s got that virtue and apple pie persona on. It makes Bucky feel unmoored and unreal. He watches them from Nico’s oddly positioned kitchen door. It’s not a great hiding place but it’s a got great access to other hiding places so Bucky stays there.

His laughs are real though Bucky notices. He holds his chest and throws his head back when Matt makes a joke. It’s real.

And they keep needling him into genuine reactions. He’s even more pleased when Clint invites Matt to their movie nights. He has a sneaking suspicion that Matt and Steve will like each other.

He watches Steve carefully. He’s both familiar and not. Seeing him in modern context is almost unfathomable. Bucky looks at him and wonders if he’s hallucinating most of the time. Steve had almost ceased to exist in Bucky’s mind until Hydra ordered his assassination. And then it took him months to contextualize Steve. Who had he been? Who had Bucky been? 

It’s still painful to think about. Bucky wants to tear his skin off when he remembers Steve. Remembering leaving him on the shore of the Potomac full of bullet holes makes him want to die. To be fair a lot of things make him want to die. But it’s good to see Steve. See him alive, not bleeding or beaten, see him somewhere other than at Bucky’s feet.

When he leaves Bucky is surprised to find he wants to see Steve again. He craves it.

He breaks into Matt’s apartment that night and hides in the tub until Matt wakes up. He feels almost real again when Matt hands him a mug of coffee before he leaves for work.

~~~~~~

Bucky decides it’s time to go intimidate Foggy. 

“Foggy.” He greets as he pushes into the apartment.

“I will call the police on you.” Foggy tells him

This is the most reasonable reaction he’s gotten out of anyone in months.

“I can call the Avengers on you.” Bucky tells him idly looking around his apartment. It’s not a totally idle threat. He can call some of the Avengers on him. He’d love to see Natasha and Foggy meet.

“Who the fuck even are you?” he asks eventually.

“I’m Matt’s friend.” He tells Foggy, finally deciding to look at him.

“Yes another one of his crazy, powered, overprotective friends. Because he needs more of those.” Foggy says. Bucky has to admire him. Bucky makes people piss themselves. Foggy coping relatively well all things considered.

“He needed someone to be his friend.” His keeps his voice low and stands stiffy a few feet away as he says it. He knows, with right posture, he can loom from a distance.

Foggy splutters.

“I’m- what are you- no, I’m his friend, creepy dude in my living room who knows personal details of my life.” He seems to go over that last statement in his head.

“Well, I was his friend. I still care about him!”

“Matt, still likes you, so I’m not going to hurt you,” Foggy looks stricken, “But you’re either going to make an effort or you’re going to leave him the fuck alone.” He tells Foggy. He’s tired of watching Matt’s hurt puppy face every time he’s reminded of Foggy. He’s tired of watching Matt work himself into the ground being Daredevil.

Foggy makes an indigent noise. 

“Either sit down and talk about it or fuck off completely.” He tells Foggy. Before stalking off.

~~~~~~

Bucky really likes Clint. They hang out and watch TV together in his apartment every few weeks. Sometimes, he spies on Clint’s depression-bros hangouts just to see Steve. He learns a lot about modern culture from Clint. Sometimes, they watch Kardashians and reruns of Desperate Housewives.

Bucky finds reality TV hysterical. 

Sometimes, he stays in Clint’s apartment when Clint is away. He knows he’s getting obvious. He’s staying in the same places too long, associating with the same people too often. He’s making himself an easy target. But he also feels good. He knows this is a price he has to pay. He has to give up some safety to feel more real.

He always feels real with Clint.

And Clint has a dog. He takes care of the dog when Clint is away on missions sometimes.

Bucky is on Clint’s couch watching news on Clint’s TV when Captain American gets injured on national television. 

Because of course they were on a mission in a major metropolitan area and reporters like to risk death to get good shots of the Avengers. And of course, Steve would go down. Bucky hates his life. Passionately.

Natasha calls him.

“He’s fine. We’re flying him back now for emergency surgery but he’ll be fine.” She tells him. He hates that she tells him nothing at all.

“Where are they taking him?” he demands.

“Stark Tower.” Bucky’s already moving. The dog is dancing excitedly. She thinks she’s going out. He feels bad.

“I’m on my way.” 

“James-” she still calls him that. Somehow, he doesn’t mind.

“I’m coming in, Natasha.” He grits out. He can’t bear not to be there this time. He left Steve bloody and unconscious last time. He might actually shoot himself if he does it again.

“I’ll tell Jarvis to authorize you.” She sighs.

~~~~~~

He’s not prepared for Jarvis. But he doesn’t get any time to dwell. He has a mission.

“Where is Steve?” he asks bracing himself for Jarvis’ voice that comes from everywhere.

“He is on the medical floor in surgery. I will direct you there, sir.” He says.

~~~~~~

He does end up on the medical floor. Clearly no one is expecting him but Natasha. Sam does a double take, Clint waves, Natasha eyes him wearily, and Tony, who’s sitting on a bed being cared for, is gaping at him.

“Who the fuck let him in?” Tony finally asks.

“I did.” Natasha answered.

“Where’s Steve?” Bucky cuts in. 

Natasha puts her hands up and Bucky already hates this conversation.

“He’s in surgery, James. Why don’t you-” she’s trying to handle him.

“Yes, and they have observation windows, where is Steve?” he demands.

“Nat, oh my god. Bucky, come on.” Clint has to lever himself awkwardly to his feet and Sam catches his arm. 

“Clint say here. Let them look at you. I’ll take him.” Sam tells him and Clint looks relieved. 

“Back here.” Sam waves him over. As Bucky turns away he can hear Tony and Natasha start to argue.

They walk silently back. 

Sure, enough the room has an observation window. 

Steve is unconscious and pale on the table. There’s a swarm of doctors around his abdomen. 

“How did you find out?” Sam asks not looking at Steve.

“Was watching the news.” Bucky doesn’t look away from Steve.

“That’s a shit way to find out.” Sam tells him.

“Better than finding out later.”

Sam tilts his head in acknowledgment. 

“Does anesthetic work on him?” Bucky asks while he watches. Steve looks dead to the world, that’s hard to fake, but it could just be from pain.

“Not really. They can only knock him out for a few minutes at a time. If they give him too much then his kidneys start struggling. They heal right up but it’s better to avoid in the first place.” Sam tells Bucky.

“Yeah, they never did bother with me after they found out regular anesthesia didn’t work.” He’s still not looking at Sam.

Sam makes a noise Bucky doesn’t bother to parse.

A nurse comes out.

“They’re closing him up soon. You can visit him in recovery.” She tells them.

“Thank you.” Only Sam responds.

They stand there in silence for a long moment before Bucky’s phone rings. He startles badly.

“What?” he snaps not checking to see who’s calling.

“Did you see the news?” its Matt. He takes a deep breath.

“Yeah, I’m at Stark Tower now.” 

“Is he ok?” Matt sounds nervous. He forgets sometimes that Matt is Steve’s friend too.

“Yeah he’s just getting out of surgery. You can come see him if you want.” He tells Matt.

“No- ah. That’s ok.” He sounds uncomfortable. Bucky doesn’t read too much into it.

“Bye Matt.”

“Bye Bucky.”

Bucky takes a few deep breaths. He feels steadier already.

~~~~~~

Steve wakes and Bucky is sitting beside him. Sam is on the other side of the room on his laptop. Bucky knows he’s there because he doesn’t trust Bucky. Bucky is ok with that. He can be here for Steve and that’s what’s important.

“Buck,” Steve’s voice is rough.

“Hey Stevie,” Bucky says before handing Steve a cup of water, guiding it up to his mouth.

“You’re a fucking idiot, you know that.” Bucky tells him as he sips the water.

Sam snorts on the other side of the room and Steve gives him a tired but cheeky grin.

Bucky knows he’s going to be ok.

~~~~~~

They’ve been mostly silent for the last two hours. In that time, the team has filtered in and out of Steve’s room. 

Tony had shot him suspicious looks the whole time. Natasha had murmured to him in Russian for a few minutes about how Steve had been hurt and his status in general. Clint had come in and given him a high-five and asks about his dog.

Steve drifted in and out of consciousness. 

Finally, just a Bucky was relaxing into the mindset of being Steve’s silent guard for the rest of the night Steve speaks up.

“Does this mean your back?” he asks and he sounds so hopeful that Bucky has to cringe.

He wants to tell the truth. Wants to just say: ‘I can’t be around you because looking at you makes me want to die.’ But he knows Steve, even after so much lost time, and he knows Steve would find some way to blame himself.

“It hurts.” He’s not sure how else to say it.

“Let me help.” Of course, Steve wants to help.

“Then giving me space.” Again, Bucky doesn’t know what else to say.

“Can you- can I call you? Or can I ask Clint and Natasha how you’re doing? It kills me to know you’re out there and I don’t know how you are.” Steve’s voice does something odd and Bucky grabs his hand before he can think too hard about it.

“Sure, Stevie.” He says. Its an ok place to start, “Don’t call me. I’ll text you.”

“Am I allowed to answer your texts Buck?” there’s a slight quirk to his lips that tells Bucky he’s being a cheeky bastard night now.

“Yes, you unbelievable asshole.” He says fondly.

Sam chokes on the coffee that he’s just now returned with.

Steve shoots him an amused look.

~~~~~~

Bucky stays the whole night. He’s promised himself he will stay until they release Steve, which the nurses tell him will happen in the morning.

He’s just left the room for a moment to take a piss when Sam stops him in the hall.

“What you going to give me the shotgun talk?” he asks Sam who looks off kilter for a moment.

“I know better.” Sam says.

“You willingly hang out with Steve,” Bucky reminds him. He’s not really sure that Sam knows better.

Sam just nods. It’s a fair point.

“Look I just wanted you to know that anything you give him he will be happy to take. If you never want to see him again he will do that for you. He won’t like it but he will do it.” Sam tells him.

Somehow it sounds more convincing from Sam’s mouth than if Steve had told Bucky himself.

“I know.”

~~~~~~

So, when Clint gestures to him, as he’s sitting on the opposite roof spying on Clint’s movie night, he comes in.

It’s Jessica on the phone, which he knows because he’s been letting her calls go to voicemail for over an hour. He doesn’t want his past calling right now.

“Jessica.” He says when takes the phone. Steve is staring at him. 

“I have information.” She says terse and to the point.

“I know,”

“Barnes, I have been trying to get ahold of you all day.” She’s angry.

“I know.” He says and he knows he’s slipped into that strange flat tone he gets sometimes. He already feels like he’s on the edge of unreality. He knows if she tells him personal details about his history he’ll just be convinced that it happened to someone else. He doesn’t want to deal with it.

She hisses a sigh.

“Whatever. Call me when you want to hear all of this information I found about you.” 

For a second he wants to apologize.

“Thanks, Jessica.” 

She huffs and hangs up on him.

“Hey, Bucky.” Matt says when he hangs up.

“Hey,” he mutters and makes to leave.

“Nope, you are not leaving. We finally got you in here. You’re sitting down and eating pizza and watching this movie. I know you were watching it out there.” Clint tells him in no uncertain terms. 

Steve is intentionally not looking at him by now, but Matt is wiggling over on the love seat he’s on.

Matt doesn’t tell him to take a seat but he holds out a paper plate with a slice of pizza on it in his general direction and Bucky sits in the place Matt’s just cleared.

He doesn’t really acknowledge Steve the whole night. Matt and Clint are as annoying as Bucky always thought they would be. They are constantly speaking over each other and Clint narrates the screen action the whole time telling Matt he has no idea what they're saying. He has subtitles on. It’s chaos and Bucky finds he likes it. There’s just enough energy there to keep him from floating away and not too much that he shuts down. He even manages to laugh a couple of times. Steve hurts to look at though. He’s like an itchy wound or maybe the sun. Bucky glories being near him, basks in the warmth, but it hurts like a sunburn.

~~~~~~

Matt, somehow, isn’t angry that Bucky shot his teacher.

He waits on Matt’s couch for a whole day dreading Matt’s wrath. 

He’d already talked to Frank who sounded beaten down and tired. Frank told him how furious Matt had been. How Matt had refused to speak to him. Bucky doesn’t know how those two work out their relationship. If Matt can’t accept that Frank murders people outright on a regular basis then Bucky doesn’t understand why they’re even together. But he doesn’t really understand people anymore.

Matt finally comes into the apartment late into the evening. Bucky suddenly feels self-conscious, like he should be doing something. He should have ordered take out or made food or done something. Matt has done so much for him and Bucky hasn’t repaid him in away way. He wants to shrink into the couch. Instead, he freezes and waits for Matt to acknowledge him. 

“Hey Bucky.” Matt sounds exhausted.

Bucky decides to get it over with.

“I shot him too.” 

“I know.” Matt tells him as he shuffles towards the kitchen, “I’m getting take out. What do you want?”

He doesn’t even sound angry. He still only sounds exhausted. Broken down.

“Thai.” He says with no hesitation.

He sits very still while Matt orders Thai food and doesn’t speak until Matt is sitting by him on the couch.

“Why aren’t you angry?”

Matt sighs.

“I never ask you not to kill him. I never expected you not to kill him. I asked Frank not to kill him. I don’t know why I expected any different.” He says the last part mostly to himself.

“You knew he was going to do it.” Bucky says. Because Matt is reckless and has unrealistic expectations of the world but he’s still one of the smartest people Bucky knows.

Matt sighs again. 

“He’s never going to be the better man.” Bucky says it quietly. 

“I know.” Matt says.

“Do you?” 

Matt doesn’t answer. Bucky doesn’t push.

After the Thai food is gone, Matt starts to droop is and Bucky finally decides he needs to sleep.

He moves to go to the bathroom.

“You could try the bed some time you know.” Matt tells him.

Its Bucky’s turn to be uncomfortable. The tub has become less appealing recently. He doesn’t take the same kind of comfort from the quiet dark and cool enclosed space. But he can’t sleep with Matt. Can’t sleep with anyone. He gets terrible violent nightmares. He knows Matt knows this. 

“I’m not sure I’m going to sleep,” is all he says.

Matt shrugs.

“You don’t have to. You can stay on the couch, or on the floor, or in the bed. I don’t mind.” Matt tells him and Bucky seriously doubts that.

“I might take the couch.” He tells Matt.

“I’ll get you a better pillow.”

He ends up the tub again halfway through the night, anyway. He wakes up for no reason and then can’t settle again. His skin feels like ants are crawling under it and he feels ready to scrape his whole body away.

The tub helps. Makes his body more manageable.

~~~~~~

It’s early the same morning, when Matt stumbles in. Bucky always keeps the tub curtain open and prepares to get out of there if Matt needs to use the toilet. Instead, Matt hunches over the toilet and throws up.

When he’s done he leans back to sit on the floor.

“Sick?” Bucky asks unsure of what to do, feeling out of place in Matt’s tub.

“Nightmare.” Matt manages to get out before he’s leaning back over the toilet and gagging. Bucky decides to shut up. They sit there in silence for several long moments, until Matt hasn’t thrown up in ten minutes and is just sitting in front of the toilet breathing slowly.

“You and Natasha can stop looking.” he says eventually.

He’s turning away from Bucky and before Bucky can answer he says, “Could you flush the toilet please? I’m afraid if I move-”

Bucky gets up instantly and flushes it for him then remembers something he can do to help. He goes to the kitchen to fill a glass of water and hands it to Matt. Matt swishes water around his mouth and spits before taking a real sip. 

Bucky stands there unsure of what to do with himself. He still has not idea what the hell Matt is talking about.

“What?” he says eventually. 

“You and Natasha. You’re looking for the-” he chokes, gags a little, nothing comes up. Bucky almost wants to tell him they don’t have to do this now but Matt seems determined. 

Matt breathes deeply for a few minutes.

“My fucking rapist. You can stop-” his body jerks and he swallows rapidly.

“He’s dead.” He finally gets out. 

Bucky crouches and reaches to touch Matt’s shoulder before he thinks better of it.

Matt leans back into him after a minute longer and Bucky rubs his back.

“Was it Stick?” he asks. 

Matt’s face pales and Bucky, thinks he’s going to throw up but he takes another sip of the water.

“Yeah.” His voice is horse. Bucky thinks that Stick didn’t die slow enough.

“Frank doesn’t know.”

Matt just drops his head. Bucky keeps rubbing his back.

They stay there until Matt’s alarm goes off in his bedroom, and he drags himself to his feet.

~~~~~~

When he calls Natasha later that day to tell her the man they're looking for is dead, he asks for Steve’s number too.

Sam answers when he calls it. 

“I swear- he told you he is taking a break. I told you I’m taking a break. Now I’m telling you again. Find someone-”

“It’s Bucky.” He cuts off the tirade, wondering what’s going on.

“Oh, hey man.” The change in tone is abrupt and complete.

He wants to talk to Steve but he also wants to know what is happening. Would asking what’s happening be the more human thing to do, he wonders. Its’s a useless train of thought. He’s not really a person anymore.

“What’s going on?” he asks eventually.

“Oh. You mean why I was yelling?” Sam asks.

He makes a noise that Sam must take as a yes.

“I’ve been trying to get us a few days off. Like where neither of us are on call so we can fucking relax but everyone keeps calling about missions or interviews and I didn’t recognize the number so I thought you were going to ask us to go on a mission.” He explains.

Bucky wonders if they’re dating. Sam is calling them ‘we,’ which seems like pretty clear evidence that they are. And he answered Steve’s phone. But he doesn’t really know anything about dating. Much less superhero dating. He wants to talk to Sam more. He likes Sam. But he’s calling for Steve.

“Can we meet?” he hears himself say.

“What? You want to see me?” Not Steve, is what he doesn’t say.

“You can bring Steve if you want?” he offers. Now that he’s inviting Sam out he’s not sure he wants to see Steve at the same time.

“Ugh, sure, I’ll invite him. Where do you want to meet?” 

Bucky tells him the address of a hole in the wall café that Nico had recommended. Nico had said it was discrete in the same way that Nico’s was discrete.

“Cool when do you want to meet?” he asks.

“Now?” if he waits he might not show up at all.

“Uh- yeah, sure. Why not,”

~~~~~~

He’s already staked the café out and broken in, in the middle of the night. He’s researched the employees and the owner. But this is the first time he’ll ever go in while other people are there.

“Hello! How can I help you.” the barista, he knows to be Alice, greets him. She’s got green eyeshadow on and Bucky made a substantial anonymous donation to the fund she’s raising online to help with her transition. She looks happy.

He has no idea what to order. This is the first time he’s been in a café for non-mission related reasons. He never bothered with cafés on the run. 

“What’s best?” he asks, after staring at the menu for a few minutes too long. No one has lined up behind him yet but standing there in front of the counter makes his skin prickle.

She runs through the spiel of possible drinks, asking for his input occasionally. Eventually she makes something, and he doesn’t really know what it is but it’s not too sweet and bitter enough to be familiar, but somehow spicy too. He’s not sure he likes it.

Sam comes in a few minutes later, waves, then orders something that Bucky can tell is absurdly sweet, before sitting across from him.

“Steve couldn’t make it.” He says instead of saying hello.

Bucky just tilts his head and stares him down. Sam, to his credit, doesn’t fidget.

“How do you know about this place?” he finally asks.

“Nico recommended it.”

“He’s the owner of that bar y’all go to, right?” he asks. Bucky bristles.

“Nico’s non-binary. Doesn’t like pronouns.” He tells Sam shortly.

“Oh cool. Good to know.” He says sounding totally unruffled.

Bucky relaxes.

“You’re air-force.” He says. He’s bad at conversation but Sam seems to get it because he starts telling Bucky about himself. 

Bucky finds himself smiling a few times. He asks about the Avengers. About Sam’s work. He knows all about it already. He bugged Sam’s new VA office in New York, where he works part time between missions with the Avengers. He likes to listen in sometimes. He did it obsessively when he first came to New York but the longer he listened in the less suspicious he was. Sam was a genuinely great person. 

Eventually, Sam leaves. They exchange numbers. Sam doesn’t tell him why he answered Steve’s phone. Bucky doesn’t ask. Bucky orders another drink just so he can leave Alice a sizable tip. She smiles like sunshine. 

~~~~~~

Both Frank and Matt show up that Tuesday. Matt looks bad. His face is more of a mess than usual and he looks like he hasn’t slept in days. Frank on the other hand looks good. His jaw is too tight and he sits too straight but he’s clearly rested and healthy.

Bucky decides he doesn’t really want to deal with them. It’s one of the unusual days that Natasha is with them. She, Jessica, and Matt are whispering to each other on one side of the table and so Bucky turns to Clint.

“Bird-man.” He says.

“Yes, metal arm.” Clint answers. Bucky grins. With that they’re off. For the short amount of time they’ve known each other they’ve learned how to banter pretty well. He can do it with Natasha too but sometimes the rhythm gets mixed up and the conversation will fizzle awkwardly. He and Matt are starting to get there, but Matt is somehow even more reserved and awkward than he is. But he and Clint never falter. It’s even fun.

~~~~~~

He and Sam start going out for coffee regularly. Bucky starts working through the whole menu of drinks. Alice isn’t always there, she’s a student at a university Bucky still can’t remember the name of. But when she is there she finds it highly amusing that he’s trying everything on the menu. She also clearly thinks that he and Sam are dating. Bucky lets her think it.

“Hey Bucky, where were you when we were out there destroying Hydra bases?” he asks after they’ve been meeting for five weeks.

“Working construction.” He answers.

Sam bursts out laughing. 

“You have got to be kidding me. Construction?” he doesn’t sound angry. Bucky knows he and Steve were looking for him too.

“I was destroying Hydra bases too. And reallocating Hydra money.” He says, only a little surprised by his own honesty.

“That so.” Sam gives him a speculative look, “You know I don’t want to know.”

Bucky gives him a little smirk. It’s probably for the best.

“It’s not like I can sue them for damages. Or like they ever paid me.” He can feel himself sobering as he says it.

“You sound like that lawyer.” 

“Matt, he’s so much worse than that.” Bucky says.

“Do you think I could bring Steve next time? No worries if you don’t want to see him but-” Sam says after a beat.

Bucky blinks at him. Then studies him. Takes in his body language: relaxed, his face: open with a slight smile. Bucky starts cataloguing possibilities. It takes him a few moments to remember that Steve isn’t a mission, and this situation doesn’t need him to do a spot risk analysis. 

“Bring him.” He says finally says.

“You sure? I mean you can meet him on your own or not at all but I know he wants to see you.” Sam sounds totally neutral about it. Bucky kind of hates that Sam’s not telling him what to do. He wants to follow Sam’s lead on this. It would be easier, but Sam is constantly giving him choices.

“I go to Clint’s movie nights. Sometimes. Steve’s always there. Matt too.” He says instead of answer.

Sam looks surprised. But he nods instead of answering.

“We haven’t spoken to each other yet.” He feels small admitting it.

Sam takes a slow sigh.

“You two are unbelievable.”

Bucky has to give him that. Sam sighs again.

“You both need so much therapy.”

“Probably.” Bucky admits.

“Jesus Christ, ok I’m giving you the same disclaimer I give Steve. I am not your therapist. I never will be. I will give you advice but someone else is doing that work, holy shit.” He’s still giving Bucky a disbelieving look.

Bucky thinks he’s overreacting a little bit. He doesn’t really have normal relationships anymore. This is par for the course.

“If I bring him, will we just be sitting around in silence for a few minutes before everyone gets uncomfortable and leaves?” Sam asks. Bucky can’t fault him for the question. It’s a legitimate concern.

“Maybe.” Bucky really doesn’t know.

“The things I do.” Sam says, but he isn’t really angry.

They sip their drinks in companionable silence for a few minutes.

Bucky wants to tell Sam he likes him. He doesn’t like him because he’s a connection to Steve. He could have befriended Tony or Bruce Banner or the various baristas around New York that Steve has made friends with to get close to people close to Steve. And he’s already friends with Natasha, who is clearly Steve’s closest friend other than the person in front of him. But he doesn’t know how to say it.

He stands, goes over to Alice, who’s reading Cloud Atlas behind the counter, and orders Sam’s favorite pastry. It’s the lemon zucchini bread. Sam says he’s tried to recreate it in the last few weeks but failed miserably each time. 

He brings it over for him and hopes he understands what Bucky is trying to say. 

He gives Bucky a slow easy smile. It doesn’t hurt to see. Bucky likes the way it feels against his skin. He maintains eye contacts as he takes his first bite. Bucky’s not totally sure he understands what’s going on but he thinks Sam understands what he’s trying to say.

~~~~~~

He breaks into Matt’s apartment that night and finds it empty. He finally decides to take Matt up on that invitation into his bed. He sleeps on top of the covers, fully clothed, but, somehow, it’s the most comfortable he’s been in months. Matt comes home in the early hours of the morning. Bucky snaps awake and prepares to move but Matt just tells him to go back to sleep and crawls under his silk sheets. He’s asleep in only moments. Bucky doesn’t sleep again but he doesn’t leave the bed either.

~~~~~~

It’s a few weeks before their next coffee date. The coffee date Steve is coming to.

When it happens, Bucky doesn’t even let Sam or Steve say hello.

“Are you two dating?” the question has been bothering him for weeks.

Steve looks a little stunned. Bucky feels bad, almost, he knows Steve wants desperately to have some kind of relationship with Bucky again but Bucky just can’t seem to get the moves right anymore.

“Yeah, we are.” He says and then clears his throat. His voice is horse and Sam reaches out to take his hand.

“Are you dating Natasha?” he asks in a rush.

Sam snorts and Steve turns a little bit red.

“I guess I am.” He says after a few moments.

Bucky narrows his eyes at Steve. Steve sighs.

“We’re not very serious. She sees a couple other people. Sam’s not dating her.” And Bucky can tell he’s telling the truth.

He looks at the two of them carefully for a few minutes. Steve is stiff, he looks uncomfortable, but Sam is steady and calm. He can see how they work.

“How did you two meet?” he asks after he’s catalogued them to his liking. Steve blushes again and Sam starts laughing. Bucky already knows he’s going to like this story.

~~~~~~

Jessica finally tells him about his nieces and nephews who he’s never going to see. She tells him about old handlers and possible holes Hydra splinters could have crawled into around the city. He feeds some information to Natasha and some to Frank. He resolves to keep an eye on the handlers and scientists who worked on him but he doesn’t really want to leave New York to go after them. Not yet.

After she’s told him everything, given him all the files, after he’s asked about his surviving family members and their respective deaths and about who might need an anonymous donation, he just stops. He stops feeling real. He just floats. 

He knows he could have asked Natasha for this information and she could have gotten it in half the time. But he didn’t. Natasha would have known him too well, remembered too much. Jessica on the other hand just leaves the room after calling his name a couple of time. She sits in her office and he can hear the sound of bottles clinking and then he loses time. 

When he comes back to himself its dark, Jessica is nowhere to be seen but Frank is there watching from across the room. He blinks at Frank, feeling like he’s swimming through soup to remember why he’s here, why Frank is here, where here even is.

“Frank.” He says eventually. His voice sounds awful.

“Jessica called me.”

Bucky just frowns at him, closes his eyes, tries to recall what happened.

“She’s out crime-fighting. She gave you her research and you went blank.” Frank reports when Bucky is quiet for too long.

Bucky just nods, feeling surprise when his head moves. When he stands he’s surprised by the weight and gravity of his body. Frank doesn’t move to help him as he stumbles. 

When he’s standing he realizes he’s not sure what to do with himself, for a moment he looks at Frank, and it takes him a moment to understand he’s waiting for an order. Finally, he looks away, considers his options. He’s been staying in an abandon warehouse for a week now, but just thinking about it makes him feel exposed and jumpy. He’s not tired but he doesn’t want to go out patrolling. He remembers Matt’s quiet tub, the assurance that Matt will know if something is wrong, the way Matt never pushes. He makes up his mind. He doesn’t tell Frank where he’s going and Frank doesn’t follow him. 

~~~~~~

There’s someone else in Matt’s apartment. He can hear another voice. Matt’s voice is there too. It takes him no time to recognize the voice of Foggy. He waits for a wash of anger at the other lawyer but instead exhaustion hits him. 

He goes down the stairs not even bothering to hide the sound of his boots. Foggy’s voice continues.

“Hello Bucky.” Matt says once he’s stepped into the living room. Foggy jumps half out of his skin, clearly not having noticed the sound of Bucky entering. Bucky feels some distant annoyance through the exhaustion at his obliviousness.

“Jesus Christ. He needs a fucking bell.” Foggy blurts out.

Matt grins and Bucky’s starting to feel more annoyed.

Bucky moves away without saying anything, he’s still not sure if he wants the tub or the bed tonight. He walks into the bedroom without really deciding to do so at all.

“What the fuck Matt? Are you dating the guy who threatened me? Is that why he threatened me within an inch of my life? You know Mattie-”

Bucky doesn’t hear Matt’s response and Foggy’s next answer is so quiet Bucky can only hear the shape of his voice, not the words spoken. He wonders as he lies down on top of the covers again if those two are finally working it out. He decides if they do become friends again Bucky still reserves the right to shoot him if he fucks it up.

~~~~~~

He wakes early the next morning, feeling sore and stiff. Matt is boneless next to him. He pads out of the bedroom as quietly as he can. Matt only stirs a little bit as walks out of the room.

He finds Foggy on the couch when he reaches the living room. He ignores him and pulling out ingredients for soup, which is somehow the only thing he can always stomach. He’s pleased to see that Matt’s fridge has food in it, enough for the rest of the week even.

“Are you making soup?” Foggy says behind him.

He just grunts. 

“For breakfast.” Foggy sounds incredulous.

He doesn’t answer. Foggy just stands at the edge of the kitchen and stares. Bucky is pretty sure he wants something but he doesn’t really have the energy to figure out what.

“Are you going to punch me if I come in there and make coffee?” he asks after a few long minutes.

“Maybe. Haven’t decided.” Bucky says.

“That’s not comforting.” But he comes into the kitchen and starts up the coffee anyway. 

Bucky doesn’t feel any rage when Foggy gets close. Bucky doesn’t punch him. They don’t speak.

Matt stumbles into the kitchen as Bucky is sitting down to eat his soup. Foggy is sitting at the table drinking his second mug of coffee and Matt pats Foggy’s shoulder as he walks by. 

He doesn’t talk over breakfast but Foggy gripes about Matt’s ultra-healthy organic cereal mix and Matt snipes back. Bucky watches Foggy, probably a little too closely.

~~~~~~

He kisses Sam the next time he meets him in their little café. Steve is there. 

Bucky feels like the floor has dropped out from under him after they pull apart. He feels a vicarial terror for a moment and looks over at Steve before looking at the floor. He’s on his way to a full panic attack when Sam reaches out to touch his knee. He telegraphs well, giving Bucky plenty of time to pull away.

“Hey,” is all he says.

Bucky feel immediately more grounded. Bucky takes a moment to calm down as he stares at Sam’s hand on his knee.

“Hey.” He answers and then really looks at Sam. He looks concerned but comfortable. He always looks so warm and Bucky always wants to press against him to feel the warmth of his body. Then he looks at Steve, who is red to his roots, but he looks pleased. Bucky smirks at him and he goes even more red. 

“Like what you see Stevie?”

“You kiss me and then flirt with my boyfriend? What is this?” Sam asks no one in particular. Alice starts laughing behind the counter.

Bucky answers by leaning over to kiss Sam again. It’s a pretty chaste kiss but that’s all Bucky can do right now. Sam doesn’t seem particularly upset. 

“You just gonna let me make out with your boyfriend Steve?” he teases.

“He can make out with whoever he wants.” Steve says mildly. 

“Oh, for god’s sake just fucking kiss already, put me out of my misery.” Sam finally orders.

“What if I don’t want to kiss him?” Bucky asks, tone almost too aggressive. The teasing all gone.

“Then you would tell us right about now that you don’t want to kiss Steve. And that’s be the end of it. You never have to kiss anyone you don’t want to.” Sam say immediately, “Do you want to kiss him?” 

“Fuck yes.” He says and before he can think too hard about it he pulls Steve’s face closer to his and kisses him. Steve kisses the same as he did in the 30s and as soon as their lips meet Steve inhales sharply. Bucky is comforted by the fact that Steve is apparently just as nervous as he is.

They break apart after only a few moments. Anything too deep or wet makes Bucky’s skin crawl. But he stays close to Steve and they breath into each other. Then Steve pecks him on the lips, once, twice, three times. When they pull apart fully and Bucky sits back Sam is grinning at them like Christmas has just come early. He’s still got a hand on Bucky’s knee and Bucky’s got a hand in Steve’s. 

Alice comes over grinning like this is the best day of her life and gives them all a slice of plum pie on the house.

“I have been waiting for you all to figure it out for so long, I can’t even tell you.” She says when Steve tries to protest and tell her that he will pay.

“Shut up Steve.” Bucky tells Steve.

~~~~~~

He learns Sam slowly, relearns Steve even slower, and somehow, he relearns his own body along the way. 

He finally lets himself visit the tower. This opens up a world of possibilities, like cuddling, cooking, and movie nights of their own. He discovers that his body knows the motions of cooking and he seems to know instinctively when food is done before he really registers what he’s doing or why. He’s mildly disturbed by this but Sam finds it endlessly entertaining and Steve somehow loves everything he makes which makes him feel better about the dubious ways he’s making them.

He surprises himself by loving cuddling. When he and Matt share a bed he stays above the covers and Matt wakes up as soon as anything touches him in his sleep so they don’t cuddle. They lay close enough to feel each other’s body heat but they don’t touch. 

But Sam touches thoughtfully and easily. He puts a hand on Bucky’s back as he passes by him in the kitchen, presses their legs together when they sit together on the couch, he kisses Bucky’s cheeks, his forehead. But he also listens carefully. He runs a hand through Bucky’s hair one day to leave his palm on the back of Bucky’s neck. Bucky tenses under the touch and has to grab the counter to stop himself from going to his knees at the touch. He manages to avoid a panic attack in the wake of this previously unknown trigger but a few days later Sam sits down and asks him about it. Asks him more questions than Bucky had ever considered. It doesn’t happen again and Bucky is grateful.

Steve is harder to puzzle out. Sam doesn’t touch him as much as he touches Bucky. He doesn’t initiate touch. But when Sam does touch him Steve sometimes cringes away, sometimes he melts, sometimes he does a little bit of both. Bucky doesn’t get it. One night while he and Sam are cuddling on the couch Sam interrupts the movie Bucky’s not really watching to say, “I know that Steve is pretty but you look ready to x-ray him with that stare.”

Steve’s sitting on an armchair and decidedly not on the couch. Bucky hadn’t even known he was staring. Steve looks caught for a moment, his eyes a little too wide.

“He’d be prettier over here.” Bucky says, gesturing to the open space on the couch.

“He would be.” Sam answers grinning at Steve who’s starting to blush.

“C’ere Stevie.” Bucky says before he can think better of it. He’s learned by now that if he stops to second guess too much he won’t do anything at all. If he fucks up too bad in his thoughtlessness then he can always fix it later.

Steve seems glued to the spot for a moment before he comes over and sits next to Bucky. He’s stiff for a moment but Bucky tugs on his shirt, almost afraid to touch him and Steve finally slumps into him. It takes them a few minutes to rearrange into a comfortable pile, and then they have to rewind the movie, but Bucky is finally comfortable. 

Sam is jammed into the corner of the couch, slouched down legs wide. Bucky is half on top of him and Steve is curled around Bucky on his side with Sam’s leg at his back. Steve falls asleep before the end of the movie and when it’s over Bucky starts to feel unbalanced and out of place. What is he doing here, with Steve asleep on him so late at night.

Sam reaches around Bucky to rouse Steve.

“Hey Steve, c’on lets go to bed,” he says sounding amused for some reason. Steve blinks awake after a few more prods. 

He looks so sweet and soft and Bucky leans down and kisses his nose. Immediately Steve swats at him and wipes at his nose. 

“You asshole,” he says but it only makes Bucky laugh. He leans down and plants a wet kiss on Steve’s cheek. Steve makes an indignant sound and makes a grab for him. They end up rolling around on the floor like teenagers, Steve giggling, Bucky grinning, and Sam doubled over laughing at them. Bucky tries to do increasingly annoying things to Steve like tickle him, in spots he’s delighted to find Steve is still ticklish in. In the end Bucky is laying on top of Steve trying to keep him from squirming too much when they kiss. It’s a chaste little kiss. Steve is the one who starts it, and then immediately pulls back looking abashed. So, Bucky kisses him again. This time its longer and Bucky opens his mouth into it. Steve makes a tiny noise in the back of his throat that makes Bucky gasp. 

When they break apart, Steve looks up at Bucky then at Sam and smiles like the sun. Bucky finds it doesn’t hurt so much anymore.

**Author's Note:**

> A minor character gets murdered. Also there's a lot of discussion of trauma and some discussion of childhood sexual abuse. Please tread carefully.


End file.
